When Amy of The Finer Things in Life started her series called “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” about all things pregnancy and baby, I knew I would love it. I even thought it would be fun to share with others some of my thoughts about the topics she said she would cover. When she asked if I would write about miscarriage I was willing to do so, even though the more “fun” topics of breastfeeding, natural childbirth, etc. were more appealing. I am not sure I have done this topic justice, but it is one that is near and dear to my heart. If you have experienced the pain of a loss, I would love to hear from you.
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Some days I will never forget. The day my husband and I went on our first date…the day he proposed to me…the day we got married…the days our children were born. Some days can make me smile just thinking of them. Some days do not…
September 28, 2000
February 15, 2001
November 29, 2003
September 11, 2006
Some days were filled with tears. Some days saw hopes and dreams come crashing to an end. Some days made me thankful to still be alive. Some days I will never forget.
When I was pregnant for the first time I remember reading about miscarriage. I knew it happened, but never thought it would happen to me. It happened to other people, people who must have done something “wrong” during their pregnancy. People to feel sorry for, but not people like me.
And, it didn’t happen during that pregnancy. Everything was easy with my first pregnancy, and I assumed that since I did everything “right” I would never have to worry about miscarriage. I was wrong.
Miscarriage does happen to people like me. It can happen even if you do everything “right”. Sometimes it happens not just once but twice, three times, even four times. Sometimes you don’t know why it happens.
When my daughter was one year old, I got pregnant again. Feeling pretty confident that I had the whole pregnancy thing figured out, I didn’t anticipate what happened next. At six weeks I started spotting. For the next six weeks I was on an emotional roller coaster wondering if I was going to lose the baby or not.
When I miscarried at 12 weeks, I was devastated. However, having had one successful pregnancy made me hopeful for another baby. When our third pregnancy again ended in miscarriage at 10 ½ weeks, I started to wonder if we would be able to have a house full of children like we had dreamed.
When I got pregnant for the fourth time, I felt a mixture of joy and worry. I realized that I had taken my first pregnancy for granted. How I wished I could still be that confident young woman of 25 who never knew the pain of a loss.
When our first son was born we were overjoyed and felt so blessed. Many people probably felt like we should have stopped having more children at that point. After all, we had a girl and a boy now so why would we want to press our luck?
Yet, we felt like God wasn’t ready for us to stop having children. I got pregnant for a fifth time, but that pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks. It wasn’t as physically taxing of a miscarriage as the other two, but it did make me wonder if we should stop trying for more babies.
A few months later, I was pregnant again. This time I was able to carry our second son to term. We had three children, but I felt sure we were supposed to have more.
At some point I had a very vivid dream. I will never forget the dream because it was like a glimpse into the future. I was standing on a front porch with a beautiful young woman and three handsome young men. They were tall with brown hair and were laughing and talking. I knew that I was looking at my family several years into the future.
When I got pregnant for the seventh time, I was nauseous and tired a lot so I thought those were good signs. However, when I found out at 11 weeks that my baby had died I couldn’t believe I was facing miscarriage for the fourth time. It took 2 weeks before I lost the baby, and for a short time my family was afraid I might be lost, too.
The day I miscarried I lost approximately four pints of blood and had to be taken to the ER in an ambulance. I didn’t want to go because I was afraid I would never see my three sweet children’s faces again. Yet, God healed my body and I was home within three hours.
I decided that we would wait at least one year for my body to heal before we even thought about trying to have another baby. However, six months later I felt like God was telling me not to wait. I thought we had missed our opportunity that month, but was overjoyed when we found out I was pregnant for the eighth time.
Our third son was born healthy and strong in spite of the fact that many people thought that we shouldn’t have tried to have another. I know not everyone who has faced a miscarriage is able to go on to have another child. I know some women who have had a miscarriage are never able to carry a pregnancy to term. Believe me, I do know how truly blessed we have been.
Four weeks after my fourth miscarriage I attended a Bible study. Some of the women were asking how I was feeling and told me how sorry they were for my loss. However, there was one woman there who had started attending while I was recuperating. She said that there was nothing worse than being barren for many years before being able to have a baby.
I felt like snapping back that there was nothing worse than carrying a baby for a few months and then losing it. However, I refrained and silently nodded to her.
Later, I thought about what she had said. To her, infertility was a terrible thing to go through. For me, the miscarriages were terrible things to go through.
Whether a person has struggled with infertility, miscarriage, or lost a baby at any age they know pain and heartbreak. It should never be about who has suffered more, but about how we can help each other and pray for each other. Dealing with the losses has shaped me into the mother and person I am today.
After my last miscarriage I made a journal. In the journal I wrote about each of my losses. I included ultrasound pictures and cards people had given me. It was a way of recording what I went through so that I would never forget. I want to leave you with something I wrote in the front of the journal.
The babies I have in Heaven were all wanted, and we were very sad when the pregnancies ended. I do believe I will see my angel babies when I get to Heaven. I may never know why I have experienced these losses, but I pray that I may be able to help others. God can use any situation for His glory. I thank Him for all of my babies.–September 2006
